______________HEY - THIS IS NOT FUNNY______________
-:-:-:- CONSIDER THIS -:-:-:-
DR. PHIL
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.
OPRAH
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY POLOSI
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&&^( C \ .... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY
Where's my gun?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discus sing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him " Juan ." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan , you've seen Ahmal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good.)
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ..Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
I walked into a Burger King with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the attendant and they looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy- one-get-one-free", they said, "so I guess they're both free". They handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us . . . and many work retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk among us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. The agent asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime. The agent shook their head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told them, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." They responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
My friend has a lifesaving tool in their car designed to cut through a seat belt if they get trapped. They keep it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the person there that my bags never showed up. They smiled and told me not to worry because they were a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," they asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
While at a Pizza Hut I observed a customer ordering a small pizza to go. They appeared to be alone and the cook asked if they would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. The customer thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us! AND...they reproduce!
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So, I'm not fat. I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Thanx Bob
-:-:-:- CRACKPOT -:-:-:-
-:-:-:- STUFF -:-:-:-
Snippets of favorite observations and complaints which will cause you to either die laughing or be angry as hell.
Do not confuse faith with truth—they are not the same.
Do any students study math and science anymore? Oh yes, Asian immigrants who, after finishing college in the U.S., head back home.
Altruism, another form of emotional illness.
Believing in superstition is a desperate call for help.
Show me a student who listens to music while they study and I’ll show you a dropout flunky loser.
A student’s claim of choking on tests is nothing more than lack of preparation—study and practice are the best cure for cracking under pressure.
Television could be a technology for good as a powerful educational tool, but as used today merely for entertainment it is a monumental wasteland and killer of time.
I hope you know what you are going to say when someday a little voice asks, "And what did you do with your life, dear friend?"
If you didn’t laugh during at least half of the Seinfeld TV episodes, something is very wrong with you.
Chinese in the 1930s, North Koreans in the 1990s and recently the Sudanese all ate grass to avoid starving to death...and no one was constipated.
How is it that I am so mentally healthy yet most of the people I meet are not...or do I have that backwards?
Successful accomplishment is the quickest road to improving self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem.
Are you sitting there or are you just dreaming you are sitting there?
Any government that bans gambling but conducts lotteries is terribly confused and probably schizophrenic.
If you run, are you a racist?
If you like sex, are you a sexist?
America may someday discover firsthand what it is like not to be a leadier nation and know that somewhere else there is a first world super power where people live in paradise. It happened to the Vikings, Mongols, Persians, Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Spanish Empire, French Empire, British Empire and Soviet Empire.
Don’t these people have anything better to do than listen all day to MP3, play video games, and talk into their frickin’ cell phones?
There is no greater curse than to be irrelevant and forgotten.
Most Type A adults--who believe they must prove their worth--may be good for business, industry and commerce but they usually make lousy parents.
Why is it whenever the camera catches a celebrity in the kitchen they are usually stirring spaghetti sauce?
The trouble with kids today is their parents. If you don’t see why, I regret to inform you that this conversation is over.
Down through the ages, every sculptor of nude male bodies has been faced with the same dilemma: what size to make the whacker.
There are some I have known, even if told that psychotherapy would save their life, would choose to die.
Let me put it this way: Entertainment and sports command some of the largest salaries in the nation...and some of the lowest intelligence and literacy levels in the nation.
Have I missed something here? When did "around the world" become "across the globe?"
Please note that Hindus, Taoists, Confucians and Buddhists are not in conflict with each other as are Christians, Muslims and Jews.
Always take reading material with you because you never know when you’ll have to stand in line.
If you were to create your own religion, would you ever think to make sex dirty?
I don’t care what you call it or how good it tastes, that alcoholic beverage you’re drinking will someday anesthetize your brain as well as kill your body.
If you don’t think you can, you probably can’t.
What do prison inmates talk about all day?
Look out for stuff fallling from the sky. It can hurt.
It makes absolutely no difference who you are or what your calling, it is always better to be kind than not.
I went to buy socks for $2.95 but when I opened the package at home I noticed the label said "sock" and there was only one sock. Back at the store they told me if I wanted two socks I would have to pay another $2.95.
Did you ever suspect you are not who you have been told you are...or who you thought you are?
Nobody, I mean absolutely nobody, flunks out of college if they study two hours outside of class for every hour in class.
What makes you think you were not adopted or kidnapped as a baby?
Everybody could benefit from having a true friend who listens, someone to trust with whom we can let down our guard and our hair, bounce ideas off of, brainstorm with, someone not judgmental who can give wise sound unbiased advice—someone who most of us will never meet.
I do not understand why people today—when describing events, experience or behavior—have so much trouble referring to themselves with I, me, us or we...rather, they prefer using the impersonal you.
I do not know why most people, when spinning a tale, seem to have a need to embellish, exaggerate and distort.
Contemporary children no longer consider scolding as emotionally ominous as it used to be. Is it that guilt and shame are no longer effective deterrents?
Since we allow TV advertising for gambling, alcohol, sanitary pads and Tampax, then why not for guns, knives, abortions, enemas, diaphragms, condoms, pornography, sex toys and suppositories? There’re all legal somewhere.
To be a good planner, organizer, negotiator, tactician, strategist or manipulator, you had better learn to play chess.
Even though there is a psychological explanation for every personal behavior, when someone says “I don’t know why I do that” they quite possibly may be telling the truth.
Who are you? Why are you here? Where are you going?
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DESTROY BEFORE READING
(a trilogy for women)
THIS IS NOT FUNNY
(a trilogy for men)
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